An ode to the b*tches you can't block
It's Gemini season, baby!
21 May to 20 June.
The constellation twins ascend and unsettle.
Chaos, embraced.
Intensity, unchecked.
Admired in whispers,
criticised in packs.
Brilliance always costs.
A spectrum of contradiction:
unhinged, disruptive,
witty, whimsical.
The beginning of everything.
And the best of both.
Girlies, in celebration of our birthday week, we’re swapping your regular cup for something that shimmers. This one’s brewed to cut through whatever anti-Gemini crap you’ve been entertaining, with sharp takes on a few of our favourite Gems—people whose brains, much like Walt Whitman’s (rumoured to have been dropped post-mortem by a clumsy assistant), deserve to be studied.
But don’t get it twisted: we’re not rewriting the Gemini rep. Some shine as chaotic geniuses. Others are just pure evil. There’s duality, and then there’s damage.
GEMINI, SEASONED
♊️ Azealia Banks, May 31
Kicking things off with a tweet so unhinged it burned into our retinas upon first glance. Courtesy of one of the most gloriously frenzied Gemini artists alive. No, not Kanye. The other one.
We’ve been watching this diva like a hawk. Not just because she’s wildly unpredictable, but because, like many, we’re fully convinced Shakespeare's ghost chose her as his vessel. She started writing rap and R&B as a creative outlet, made bangers that still slap, and tweets like she’s writing sonnets… with a machete.
Banks drops her thoughts almost daily, each one seemingly crafted to provoke gasps or gags. Whether it’s dissecting EU-Russia relations, Lizzo’s sex life or calling out generational quirks, her words hit like weapons—vile or victorious, but never forgettable. Dialling it down would be a living nightmare for her. (She could never.)
Which really only proves one thing: if anyone deserves a best-selling autobiography right now, it’s Azealia Amanda Banks.
♊️ Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, June 13
Coming in as a close second on the coulda-shoulda-woulda bestsellers list: a personal reflection from the ultimate duo, Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen.
We’re pleasantly haunted by those iconic smoke break shots. Marlboro Golds in hand; one scrolls, one smokes. Their clothes aren’t pristine, they’re powerful. Made from the best f*cking fabrics money can’t buy. We want the story, the silence, the brand tags.
Then there’s the juicy lore around their love lives. Ashley allegedly hooked up with Kanye in 2011, even gifting him with a lap dance at his private 34th birthday party. There might’ve been a brief romance between Mary-Kate and Heath Ledger before he passed. Later, she married Olivier Sarkozy, a French dude and fellow Gemini 17 years her senior (more tea on this here), said to have an insane charisma, which, naturally sent the girls into a tizzy. Their marriage was doomed from the jump, especially with bowls of cigarettes served at the wedding—a dark sign of the stress he’d soon put her through.
But the real magic of the Olsens isn’t the men they’ve been tied to, it’s how they grew up under the microscope, then slipped quietly out of view to build one of fashion’s most revered luxury brands. The Row has redefined minimalism with discipline, restraint and a near-mythical craftsmanship. Of course they’re Leo rising—born to be seen, just not spoken to.
A brief, no-nonsense intermission:
For every Gemini genius we celebrate, the zodiac also gives us… these.
😈 James Charles (May 23): Allegedly preyed on underage fans, then clapped back like he was the victim.
😈 Scott Disick (May 26): Built a brand on bingeing, gaslighting and dating teenagers.
😈 Heidi Klum (June 1): Stepped over Carrie Bradshaw, then put her own daughter front and centre in an underwear campaign.
😈 Kanye West (June 8): Spiraled from visionary to publicly praising Hitler.
😈 Shia LaBeouf (June 11): Sued for sexual battery, emotional abuse and knowingly transmitting an STD to ex-partner FKA Twigs.
😈 Donald Trump (June 14): Work in progress.
😈 Xi Jinping (June 15): Authoritarian ruler with a censorship complex and zero tolerance for trouser-less cartoon bears.
Look, we don’t make the birth charts. We just report the damage.
♊️ Meecham Whitson Meriweather, June 16
There are Geminis who make quiet statements. And then there are those who are loud, hilarious and unapologetically brilliant about their passions. The ones who speak up because if they don’t, who will?
Case in point: June Gemini Meecham Whitson Meriweather. A name so regal we’re shocked he isn’t a duke. Somehow, under his watch, the razor-sharp takes and the chaos feel almost manageable.
Meech’s Substack, Now That I Mention It, is brilliant—but honestly, it’s his tweets we miss the most. Who else would dare claim Anna Wintour was alive during the Gilded age and still couldn’t nail the theme? If there’s a petition to get this diva’s X account reinstated, consider us first in line.
♊️ Kendrick Lamar, June 17
People love to debate the greatest rappers of all time—Biggie, Pac, Ice Cube… Geminis, of course. But one very much alive contender might just top them all.
Beyond being one of the best-dressed men in the game, he took home five Grammys for Not Like Us, a diss track that tore Drake to shreds. Still, it was his lyrics in 6:16 in LA (his second diss in their public 2024 beef) that secured his place in the Gemini hall of fame. Always quiet until it’s time to strike. Diva.
♊️ Stevie Nicks, May 26
An oldie, but a goldie nonetheless. Stevie Nicks has always been surrounded by Little Lies… chief among them: the rumour she did cocaine up her ass to save her septum. Mother Witch is also said to have placed a hex on former Fleetwood Mac bandmate Lindsey Buckingham, one he’s still crawling out of. Ethereal, yes. But don’t p*ss her off. Silk, substance and spite — a Gemini signature.
♊️ Saint Hoax, suspected Gemini
The pseudonymous Syrian artist behind those controversial, uncannily accurate memes is what you'd call 'a composer of internet humour.' We’re obsessed—as are our 50+ mutuals on Instagram. A STAR, your honour. Saint Hoax also creates what’s described as POPlitical Art: a form that reworks political and pop culture references into sharp commentary on the fleeting nature of hype. The duality? Immaculate.
Also, we dug up this tweet, confirming what we already knew. 100% Gemini. If not sun, then definitely moon or rising. The signs are all there.
♊️ Nicole Kidman, June 20
Stepping on necks and eating the girls up since 2001. From escaping Tom Cruise and his Scientological grip to rocking razor-sharp, ripped looks on magazine covers and red carpets, she’s perfected reinvention. She’s unbothered, untouchable and undeniably fierce.
Whether she’s nonchalantly bopping to Charli XCX at a concert or showing up at the Met Gala the next day, she’s always trying to quiet her restless mind—the kind that never stops racing. No wonder she’s been everywhere on screen, big or small, for what feels like forever. What did we say about duality? Gemini tingz.
♊️ Joan Rivers, June 8
A trailblazer. A loudmouth. A genius with a scalpel-sharp tongue. Joan Rivers wasn’t just a comedian; she was a cultural institution. A Gemini who said what everyone else was too scared—or too spineless—to say. She walked so today’s internet critiques could run, turning mockery into fine art, grief into material and fashion commentary into a contact sport. And like any great Gemini, she left the party too soon. Probably for the best. Given how viciously she dismissed certain human rights causes, maybe that exit was timed with cosmic precision.